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The Bollywood Razzies

As 2007 comes to an end, its time to roll out the red carpets, open the envelopes and beat the pulp out of those movies that kept on coming back to you and haunted you this year and made you shiver with disgust at the most odd years of the day/night.These movies go down in history of this list as the Bollywood Razzies, aka the Worst Movies of the Years as well as Performances. It is no easy job to make it to this list. You need to be utterly creative in some way, as in if you actually intended to make a tragedy, you ensure it looks like Mr.Bean’s Holiday. And if the original script pitched plans of a comedy, the end product should make all of the crew weep. Now that’s what we call (F)ART. Only few movies have been able to qualify for the coveted “award” this year, and choosing the righteous winner among them has been a tiring effort for me. It has taken me sleepless nights, intense hours of soul searching and some barrels of Budweisers to arrive at the “Winners”. So here we go.

Breakthrough Performance of the Year Male:-

The Shaved and Waxed chest, a Peek at what’s behind the Diesel Cap, The Nasal takes a big leap beyond the lands of Narnia, and well, He finally smiles. Ladies and Gentlemen, bow to his Majesty, Himessssss….Surooooor….Reshammiya. A Star is Born? Ahem Ahem! Sorry, I just choked on me words.

Fighting for the Throne:-
Dil Dosti Etc.Immad Shah’s “impotent” portrayal of a DU-ite in , which included dialogues like Safed Jheel, sharing the screen with Shreyas Talpade and Smriti Mishra ( as the saggy bellied Delhi hooker), and still manage to screw it all up. Man, so close to win the award.
Saawariya.Ranbir Kapoor does a “topless” Mere Khwabo Main Jo Aaye. A Breakthrough in Indian cinema nevertheless.
RGV ki Aag.Amitabh Bachhan butchers, screws the immortal spirit of Gabbar, Babban style in RGV way. Thou shall face the wrath of Gabbar one day.
The Deols flexing their “Dolles” in Apne, if that counts as one.
Salman Khan whisphers to Ali Larter in “purrfect” accent- Marigold is whack!!
Upen Patel- Shakalaka Boom Boom. ROTFL. I don’t have any idea what was I going to say about this one.

Breakthrough Performance of the Year Female:-

Nishabd:Jia Khan, ahem! actually her left leg. Ramu loves her left leg the most. More than her right leg. If Ramu has some sort of affinity towards her left leg, how could we be left behind. Jia’s left leg from 12 ft, from 6 ft, and from 6ft under. Now that’s breakthrough lensing, I guess. Wait, where’s the performance. Aah! I remember the trailer, where she says “ I think I am having feelings for you”. You do?

Fighting for the Throne:-
The team of Lara and Priety in Shaad Ali’s Jhoom Barabar Jhoom. Actually I cannot comment much on these ladies, coz I walked out of the audi in 10 mins flat.
Laga Chunri Main Daag:“Hi, I’m Natasha”. No you are Rani. WTF are you doing? You are supposed to be good and not replay Mumtaz’s Shalini Shastri (Aaina- 1977) in the flavour of the 1970s. God, YashRaj Films, dekho Bubli ka Kya bana diya.
Aami Monjulikaa—That’s breakthrough. For the one’s still confused” Hare Raam Hare Raam”
Honeymoon Travels:The entire bunch of mad ladies- Ssilpaa shouting to a leather jacket long haired Rampal- Jignessssss, Minissha Lamba to Abhay Deol in a speedo suit- Aspi----Zaaara,..and Raima Sen showing some Matrix moves in a Sari. Indian cinema hasn’t seen anything like this before, for sure.

Okay, I guess, since I have been talking of ensemble casts as performances, I shall have a separate award for it. What the heck!

THE GANG BANG (in a very vegetarian way):-

Big B as Babban, Devgan as Jai or is it Veeru, that guy as Veeru/Jay, Nisha Kothari as Ghungru, Sushmita Sen as the flat faced widow, Mohanlal Anna as Thakur and RGV as the tormentor. This is RamGopal Ver”Ma” ki Aag.

Dus Kahaaniyan- The list is like Bollywood’s B List, plus the honchos of Indian “meaningful” cinema . It unites India’s finest actors Naseeruddin Shah and Shabana Azmi after …( when was the last time I saw them sharing screen space?)..I donno when. It even boasts of 6 directors from Rohit Roy to Meghna Gulzar to Sanjay Gupta to Apoorva Lakhia. This is just hoch poch at best.
Buddha Mar Gaya. Just have a look at the list of the people involved here.
Anupam Kher, Om Puri,Ranbir Shourie and guess who’s next-Rakhi Sawant. LOL
Salaam-e-Ishq tries to recreate Richard Curtis’ “Love Actually” in a marathon love epic saga which might even give Devki Nandan Khatri (of Chandrakanta fame) to shame. The chandeliers were more polished, the choreography more Bhangra and more Lehengas and more Sherwanis , and the emotions ..aah…exhausting with Kailash Kher’s Ya Rabba playing on a loop. (Nikhil) Advani jee didn’t have Mr.Johar to tell him where to stop.
Jhoom Barabar Jhoom. Yep. I guess Shaad Ali was high, Abhishek Bachhan was stoned, and Bobby Deol was busy watching Apne’s Moser Baer DVD. Oh wait, Big B in El Capitano Jack Sparrow’s avatar in Paris. Now, what did I smoke?


Cacophonix de Honors:- Himesssss. Undisputed Heavyweight King of the Bantamweight Auto-rickshaw Drivers Music Club. “Hits” include—Jhoot Naaee Bolna, Assalaam Walekkum and the constipated Tanhhaaaiiiyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Fighting for the Throne:-
Shakalaka laka laka laka laka laka laka Shakalaka Boom Boom
Rafta Rafta Dekho Dekho Pyaar Ho Gaya Raftaa Dekho Raftaa
Tadap Tadap Tadap Ho Tummmmmmmmmmmmm….
Ae Taambe Tu Kaun Si Maut Marega Re.
Jhoom Barabar Jhoom – the Retro Funk Lethal Attack v16.7 mix. WTF.

Tortueux de FILME’:-

And the “honor” goes to RGV ki Aag.This movie left me sleepless for nights together. If you want to read my heartfelt appreciation of the movie, you can read it here. But it has been quite a journey for the entire crew (must be). It must have taken them quite a few cleansing sessions at the Ayurveda clinics in Kerala, and of course a Ganga Snaan too. But lemme tell you, that shouldn’t be enough to rid you of the sins you all have committed to have tormented all of us with the 70mm of torture. In the words of the great Chandler Bing “Okay, it was like she was torturing me for information. And I wanted to give it up I just—I didn't know what it was!” RGV just deserves this and may be a Public Abuse Session as well. That should serve as a clinical session for his mental disturbance. C’mon, he couldn’t have made this movie if he was sane or in his complete senses.

Fighting for the Throne:-
Aaah. Not a very Long List here. Coz it actually takes a lot to match the genius of RGV ki Aag. Nevertheless, it’s here.

The Blue Film of the year- Bhansali’s Saawariya.
Dil Dosti Excreta, I mean Etc.
J-BJ. That’s Jhoom Barabar Jhoom.
Nikhil Advani’s tribute to Yashraj’s entire filmography in a single film- Salaam-e-Ishq.
Himmesss flirting around 16 year old Hansika and manages to escape pedophile charges. Actually, the lady gets swept off her feet by the waxed chest and…you know what, I’m tired of the nasal jokes. But when it comes to Himess, what else can you think of?

Aah. I'm done finally. Where's my Bud?

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2 Responses to "The Bollywood Razzies"

Prabhavana responded on December 29, 2007 at 8:44 AM #

Very crisp, entertaining and packed with attitude. I feel you are really talented and shall make a good career in writing on Bollywood. Keep writing.

Bit Hawk responded on December 29, 2007 at 6:45 PM #

That was an amazing list...had me in splits :))